So as a Yankee fan I probably spend more time with the Yankees than any other person in my life. Therefore each season I build a relationship with the team, much like a normal person would build with their significant other. Each season is different and I have personified them as a girl who you may have dated. Lets start off with the first season after the 1994 strike:
Hi I am 1995. I am about a 6 on the scale from 1 to 10 and really don’t work out much. You can definitely see potential in me down the road and I am kind of like a girl you might have dated in middle school that you knew was going to be a stunner down the road. I guess you can call me the girl next door, before she got hot. I broke your heart when my family abruptly moved to Seattle; right when you thought you were going to win me over. You even had your promise ring all set, and thought you had me after we made out on the playground. You were wrong.
Season Result – Lost Seattle 3-2 in ALDS. We were up in extra Innings of Game 5. Fuck Griffey and Edgar Martinez.
Celebrity Comparison: Topanga on “Boy Meets World”.
I might get arrested for posting this one.
Hey Hun, I am 1996. I started this year wearing a ponytail and I used to play soccer. While I’m cute and you would probably not consider me hot, but I seemed to have a certain look about me. I am a good girlfriend but you didn’t have very high expectations, and were pleasantly surprised by me all year. Well all of the sudden at the end of the year, I started working out a bit. I decided to ditch my sporty look and starts wearing skirts and Citizens of Humanity jeans. I showed up at prom and all your buddies were stunned and couldn’t keep their eyes off me. What an amazing night.
Season Result – Win World Series 4-2 over the Atlanta Braves and their obnoxious “Warrior” like cheer. Fuck that shit.
“Back, to the Track, at the Wall, WE ARE TIED!!!” – phrase gives me goose bumps every time, and if you recognize it, I love you.
Celebrity Comparison: Anne Hathaway in “The Princess Diaries”
Mia Thermopolis totally grew up.
Hey I am 1997. I am pretty cute but I am kind of a filler girlfriend. I am not the most memrorable girl, and you kind of lost me in the shuffle between 1996 and 1998. While I was fun and outgoing we never had a true connection and I was a girl whose relationship was a part of your maturity into an adult.
Season Result- Lost 3-2 to the Cleveland Indians in the ALDS. Sandy Alomar’s ‘lil shit homer still gives me nightmares as the Yankees were the best team in baseball in ‘97.
Celebrity Comparison: Elisha Cuthbert in “The Girl Next Door”
I am so hot, why am I so under appreciated?
Hi I am 1998, your Dream Girl. I have a stunning body; a great sense of humor, and everything about me just fits together so well. I love hanging out with your friends. Wanna go to the bar and watch the game? I’ll come too! All your buddies can’t believe I am with you. I am very easy going and with me things just always seem to work out. I do community service, and am sarcastic but sweet. I don’t get too crazy if you don’t call me one night, as I know on most nights you will bring you’re A game. Later in the fall you will introduce me to your parents. They will love me too and pray to god you don’t fuck this relationship up.
Season Result – 114-48 Record, best in team history. Smaked the San Diego Padres 4-0 in the World Series, beating Kevin Brown in Game One. Fuck you Kevin.
Celebrity Comparison: Mandy Moore in life.
Even though you broke Vinny Chase’s heart you are still perfect.
Hi I am 1999 and 2000. I am long-term relationship girl. I treat you like a king and am never too clingy or needy. We both go along with our business, and have a great time when we are together. Sometimes you will take me for granted as I treat you so well all the time you forget what its’ like to have real problems. If we ever break up you will look back and remember our relationship fondly. I bring consistantcy to your life but totally know how to push your buttons every once in a while. You enjoy life with me and are relaxed as I am a cool customer and really don’t start any drama. I have a great body and it is like a machine put it together perfectly.
Season(s)Result- Back to Back World Series 4-0 over the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets 4-1.
Celebrity Comparison: Jessica Alba
Could I be more consistant?
Hey I am 2001, the girl who totally broke your heart. I am much like long-term relationship girl in almost every regard, I am outgoing and fun and you have a ton of fond memories. You’d like top remember our happy days together because they were so great. Trips to the shore, exotic vacations, wild nights out in the city, which sometimes extended into the morning. You’d like to remember all of this but you last memory of me was coming home and seeing me in bed with one of my “buddies” from college. Shocked, you break off all contact between us and try to erase the thought of me from your memory. I am dead to you.
Season Result – Lost in Game 7 of the World Series to the Purple and Teal Arizona Diamondbacks. If you need me to explicate more on this horrible occurrence look down a few posts.
Celebrity Comparison – Mariah Carey as a Heartbreaker
“Heartbreaker, you go the best of me….”
2002 here, whoooo!!!! I am your lush girlfriend. I was great to party with during our relationship giving you so many fun moments, and the good times seemed to be just rolling along. I am defiately a rebound girl from the one who broke your heart, and you didn’t invest as much in me becuase you were afraid of being hurt again. In the end I had a fundamental flaw in my personality and couldn’t We broke up because at your end of the year “Holiday Party” I made out with one of your subordinates and then threw up in the punch bowl.
Season Result – Lost in the ALDS to the Anaheim Angels 3-1. Our team ERA was roughly 56.7 or so. David Wells may or may not have been drunk while pitching.
Celebrity Comparison: Tara Reid
I may have gotten the worst boob job ever.
Hey babe, its me ‘03. I am your nymphomanic girl. I am a girl you still remember fondly, I gave you some of the best moments and times you and your buddies will be talking about forever. Remember that time in the Maui Hilton Hotel shower,…..yeah you do. I drove you crazy, in a good way, but at the end, we just didn’t have enough in common to keep the relationship going. We had a relatively clean breakup and you weren’t too resentful, and we still are friends. It was great while it lasted.
Season Result – Lost in the World Series to the Florida Marlins 4-2 and thier 19 geriatric fans celebrated all night to the brink of 11 PM.
Celebrity Comparison: Christina Aguilara in her X-tina days.
Nothing says class like crotchless chaps.
Hi I am 2004. I am the seemingly perfect girl who turned out to be the biggest trainwreck of all time. During the first few months of our relaionship you may have confused me with your dream girl. I looked immaculate, was well put together and was thororghly entertaining. This facade all came crashing down in a hurry. All in one month i went from a sophisticated bombshell, to looking and acting like a bomb went off. I cancelled my gym membership and started wearing sweats every day. I got fired from work and now stay over your house, in your sweatpants watching Maury Povitch and Judge Judy all day. You used to brag to all your friends about me as I was your impressive career oriented stunner. Now since we broke up i am that girl you always try to forget about and wonder what the hell happened.
Season Result – If you dont know you should go kill yourself. Javier Vasquez and Kevin Brown, I will always hate you.
Celebrity Comparison: Britney Spears, duing her current “Trainkwreck” phase
I was so so hot…
…and then Dave Roberts stole 2nd base.
Hey I am 2005, the girl who drives you completely nuts. Before we broke up we used to have crazy fights and an even crazier time making up. We met kind of randomly and our relationship was kind of due to us being at the right place at the right time, as at almost any other time in our lived we would have never dated one another. We never had the chemistry you had with other girls and our whirlwind relationship never seemed right. Out of energy and lacking a solid base our breakup was unceremonious.
Season Result- Lost to the Los Angeles Angels of Aneheim 3-2 in the ALDS.
Celebrity Comparison: Paris Hilton.Why is she famous? No one knows.
I wonder if she gives it up on the first date?
What up, I am 2006, the “almost” girl. We should have worked out, but didn’t. Being that I am younger than your previous ladies, we had the youthful exuberance that you used to have back with the “1996” girl. Sadly unlike her, when it mattered most I let you down, and I totally flaked on you and didn’t even give you a call. After such an up and down relationship with 2005, I brought stability to your life and made dating fun again, but at the end of the day my unreliability is what destroyed us. Unfortunatly as with your previous few girls, you will remember me for the breakup we had and not for the fantastic relationship we forged.
Season Result- Another division crown, but a 3-1 beat down from the Detroit Tigers in the ALCS
Celebrity Comparison: Heidi Montag (Heidi from the Hills)
“I let Lauren down, just like Jared Wright let everyone down in Game 4″
Hey sexy I am 2007, and so far have been your drug addict girl. I am a cokehead and I have been driving you crazy with all of my ups and downs due to my addiction. I recently just went to rehab, and things are starting to finally look up. You can’t seem to shake me as you are addicted to me as much as I am addicted to doing bumps in the bathroom.
Season Result- Undetermined…..
Celebrity Comparison: Coked out Lindsay Lohan
“Anyone wanna go skiiing?”
Hope you had fun with my interpretations, as I know sometimes some of them are a little out there. Most of the references have an innuendo to the Yankee season that might not be so obvious. If you have a question ask!
PS – I really would like to have another “Dream Girl” season sometime soon. I think Yankee Girl and I so deserve it!