The Walk of Shame

I hate baseball today.   

I just decided that I hate its guts and I hope one day, football takes basball’s heart and kicks a field goal with it.  I owe this passionate disdain to last night’s game which followed a slew of games that contributed to my ultimately extreme hatred.   

It started with the Yankees falling behind two runs to the freaking Orioles… Do you know what an Oriole is?  It’s a stupid bird- like a parakeet or a finch or something.  It sucks. 

 

Then, the Yankees did a very cruel thing- Johnny “Achy-Breaky-Everything” Damon hit a two run homer to even the score in the sixth inning, giving the Yankees three juicy innings to put a run on the board and actually win a damn game.  This freak-occurrence gave Yankee fans a little taste of something they haven’t had for a while— hope.  Not. Cool. 

 

Tied 2-2 in the 8^th, Farnsworthless actually manages to get us out of an inning unscathed, only to put in the man with the plan- Scott Proctor.  (I don’t know if you know this, but I may be one of no more than three people on the planet – Scotty’s mom included – who love Scott Proctor more than even Joe Torre loves him.  I trust him and think he’s awesome and want to throw a Proctor Parade every time he comes up to pitch.)  So anyway, Scott Proctor, Relief-Pitcher-Extraordinaire, walked in the winning run.  He walked it in!  I was shocked and appalled and sad and angry and contemplated suicide.  WTF SP? WTF? 

So there I am, hating baseball and reading all about it in the Daily News (the same way America reads about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears – yes you may hate them, but you can’t help but want to know about them) expecting to find a quote from Scotty that says something like this “Throwing strikes is so 2006 for this bullpen… I’m going to end this thing right now so that we can all go get hookers to celebrate Captain Jeter and Mike Meyers’ birthdays (who turned a combined age of eight hundred, btw).” 

And just as I’m about to hire a hit-man to kill Proctor, I find this quote instead:

“I let everyone down. I’m (ticked) off at myself. You can’t — walk people. It’s embarrassing.” (Daily News, 6/27)   (fill in the blanks yourself- ticked and — are subs for other words)

 

 

Next thing I know, I’m back on team Proctor and ready to watch tonights game against the Orioles… maybe start a new winning streak?  maybe hit some orioles with pitches?

*Sighhhhhhh.   Dear Scott Proctor- with a quote full of newspaper ‘bleeps,’ I can’t stay mad at you…Let’s go to central park and throw balls at hippies and old people… I think we both need to remember why we love baseball.

What’s the matter Hideki?  You gonna Cry?  There’s no crying in baseball!