Posted by: yankeegirlguy | July 30, 2007

Yankee Girl is a Nymphomaniac

It all makes sense now. Now we know what Yankee Girl has been up to for most of July.

If Yankee Wins = Sex, and Being a Sex Addict= Being a Nymphomanic, we see how the transitive property works perfectly in this situation.

Now lets see, a post purely about Yankees and Sex……is there any way I could I NOT throw in some comments?

So I here is my take on this after the ultimate “Blue Ball Loss” to the Orioles on Saturday night.

(For those scoring at home, this involves the Yankees driving from behind, getting so close to winning but not being able to finish, and going to bed unsatisfied.)

As Yankee Guy so likes to point out, I do believe that nothing is more fun than winning. It’s so not about “how you play the game.” That’s just a silly phrase that some school teacher made up to keep the fat kids jolly. The truth is, if you lost, there’s no way you had as much fun as you would have if you won. And while some wins are far more satisfying than others, winning is like sex – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. Everyone has different preferences, so let’s explore the different styles of Yankee wins.

Missionary- a.k.a “Yankees on Top”

Nothing fancy here. This is your traditional Yankee win. It probably starts out with two runs in the first two or three innings for a total of five or six runs overall. The Yankees stay on top the whole time, the other team really doesn’t do much at all. Sure, maybe they’ll scratch or bite a little, scoring a run here or a run there. At the end, though, you’re satisfied, everyone feels kinda great, (not exhausted, not uncomfortable) and everyone goes home happy. (Maybe get some brunch the next morning- just an all around good time.)

This sounds pretty good but I would equate this type of win more along the lines of a “Cowgirl” style win.  You don’t get too worked up, Yankees are “riding high” the entire game, and there is no way you can’t feel good about it or have a good time.  I guess this is just a difference in perspective more than anything else.

The Tantric Win

The tantric win begins with a game that goes on alllll nighttttt longgggggggggg. They’re slow and steady- a close game that’s tied in the ninth inning 2-2. The game goes into extra innings, into the 10th, 11th… its’ 1AM and you’re thinking “can we get on with it? I have work in the morning.” You’re completely impressed with the endurance of the pitchers, wowed by the fact that no one has given up a run yet but getting antsy and tired… then bottom of the 14th , two-outs, you’re sure you’re going to fall asleep before its over and BAM AN EXPLOSIVE HOME RUN! The walk-off home run feels like the biggest and baddest home run in the history of baseball! You’re exuberated, thrilled, you pass out happy and dream delicious dreams… the following day at work, instead of looking exhausted, you have “a glow.” The tantric win is ALWAYS worth the wait.

On this I agree with Yankee Girl. The tantric win is ALWAYS worth the wait. While your productivity in the office the next day might not be entirely up to par, you know staying up for the grand finale was so worth it. You are exhausted but feel like a million bucks inside. After a win like this you most likely would like a nice simple “Missionary” win the next night, so as to preserve your stamina.

The Wild Weekend Marathon Win

This, my friends, is what winning is all about. Unlike the “Tantric,” this style win requires little or no waiting for the action. It’s about one explosion after another. This game is about scoring… seriously scoring. 21 runs in one game is not unfathomable when it comes to the wild weekend marathon win. Consumption of alcohol is often a part of these wins, as is screaming, yelling, slapping, (high-fives, of course), hanging from the chandeliers, laughing and an overall feeling of euphoria. Expect the unexpected in these games- expect rookies to score two homeruns, expect to randomly hug a stranger, expect to wake the neighbors with your shouting and cheering and expect to wake up the next morning with unidentified bruises.

My favorite type of win. Fun, exciting, high energy, you just want the good times to keep on going and going. Everyone on the team seems totally in sync making for a wonderfully pleasurable experience. You become addicted to scoring more and more runs and you just can’t get enough. Even during this game you know you can’t keep this pace up forever, but you get lost in the moment and don’t think rationally.  For food you’ll order in because you don’t want to get up from your position and miss a chance to watch the Yankees score again.

The “From Behind” Win (aka…The… you guessed it… Doggy Style Win)

This win is one of my personal favorites… go ahead, say what you will, I love it from behind. Here’s why- These wins happen when you least expect them, and they can happen anywhere anytime, no warning necessary. They usually start out like any other night, nothing out of the ordinary except a few let downs early in the game as the other team takes the lead. You find yourself down four runs in the sixth inning, and thinking about calling it a night. Then, when you’re about to throw in the towel, you notice there’s a yankee on first and third with no outs! BAM, a two run double! BAM a homerun! Next thing you know, you’re winning! You’re feeling adventurous, wild and even a bit scandalous. You’re having so much fun, you forget what losing looked like but you never look back- no need to, you like being in front.

Just like her famous Porn Star clone* (as you will see below) it is no surprise Yankee Girl likes it from behind. I love coming from behind as well, as it is one of the most exciting positions to be in. For me though, it makes me a little nervous, as one small slip up and you can get in some big trouble, and a result the Yankees could be uncomfortable with.

 

A Few “Quickies”

Tampa Bay Devil Rays = Drunken Sorority Girls. Easy, Quick, Sloppy Good Times.

Tampa Bay Rays = I would equate a win versus them as taking home a bottle blonde and who is a tanning salon junkie, and has the entire counter of Estee Lauder on her face. While it seems good that night that you got a “hot girl” you wake up the next morning and look at her and realize it wasn’t such a good get.

Boston Red Sox = Hot, Blonde Bitchy Girl. Never Easy. Always a hassle, but winning a game versus the Red Sox gives you SERIOUS bragging rights.

Hot, Blonde, Bitchy girls are so 2003.  Games with the Red Sox are like Sex with your Ex.  No matter what the outcome the reprocussions will be huge and you’ll have to deal with them for days after.

Los Angeles Angels = Not that hot, that rich or that famous, but something about them strings you along.You really should be able to win, you really should. You just can’t! But you keep on tryin!

Yankee Girl – Thanks for remind me of this type of girl. Thanks a lot. I will now light myself on fire. The Los Angeles Angels are the type that ARE usually hot but not overpowering. You then say to yourself, “Hey when you think about it, I really am great and I could totally get them.” You keep trying but bad timing, lack of clutch moves and not making ballsy enough managing decisions ultimately costs you. This is why I hate the Angels, they are so freaking frustrating.

jeter-1.jpg

“Hey Jeet- What’s your favorite style win?”

* Dear Mom, If you’re reading this blog entry please note that I have never had sex and am obviously saving myself for marriage. I’m merely speculating about these comparisons. In fact, I learned about them from that smutty Cosmopolitan Magazine that still gets delivered to your house even though I moved out long ago… Love, your wholesome, sweet, Nymphomaniac, angelic daughter,

YankeeGirl

kylee_king0.jpg

Hi, I am Yankee Girl’s evil twin based out of Los Angeles.” Bonus points if you can name this person.

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Responses

  1. “It’s so not about “how you play the game.””

    To quote Ozzy Osbourne: “It’s not how you play the game, it’s if you win or lose.”

    And is that pic Lisa O’Neil???

  2. I meant Linda O’Neil

    But the image name tells me it’s Kylee King.

  3. KYLEE KING!!!!!
    I LOVE HER

  4. How come I completely agree with this post? I’m a Yankee fan & a girl. Trust me..this is way too true.


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