Posted by: yankeegirlguy | July 27, 2007

Why it’s better from behind*

As Yankee Guy so likes to point out, I do believe that nothing is more fun than winning. It’s so not about “how you play the game.” That’s just a silly phrase that some school teacher made up to keep the fat kids jolly. The truth is, if you lost, there’s no way you had as much fun as you would have if you won. And while some wins are far more satisfying than others, winning is like sex – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. Everyone has different preferences, so let’s explore the different styles of Yankee wins.

Missionary- a.k.a “Yankees on Top”

Nothing fancy here. This is your traditional Yankee win. It probably starts out with two runs in the first two or three innings for a total of five or six runs overall. The Yankees stay on top the whole time, the other team really doesn’t do much at all. Sure, maybe they’ll scratch or bite a little, scoring a run here or a run there. At the end, though, you’re satisfied, everyone feels kinda great, (not exhausted, not uncomfortable) and everyone goes home happy. (Maybe get some brunch the next morning- just an all around good time.)

The Tantric Win

The tantric win begins with a game that goes on alllll nighttttt longgggggggggg. They’re slow and steady- a close game that’s tied in the ninth inning 2-2. The game goes into extra innings, into the 10th, 11th… its’ 1AM and you’re thinking “can we get on with it? I have work in the morning.” You’re completely impressed with the endurance of the pitchers, wowed by the fact that no one has given up a run yet but getting antsy and tired… then bottom of the 14th , two-outs, you’re sure you’re going to fall asleep before its over and BAM AN EXPLOSIVE HOME RUN! The walk-off home run feels like the biggest and baddest home run in the history of baseball! You’re exuberated, thrilled, you pass out happy and dream delicious dreams… the following day at work, instead of looking exhausted, you have “a glow.” The tantric win is ALWAYS worth the wait.

The Wild Weekend Marathon Win

This, my friends, is what winning is all about. Unlike the “Tantric,” this style win requires little or no waiting for the action. It’s about one explosion after another. This game is about scoring… seriously scoring. 21 runs in one game is not unfathomable when it comes to the wild weekend marathon win. Consumption of alcohol is often a part of these wins, as is screaming, yelling, slapping, (high-fives, of course), hanging from the chandeliers, laughing and an overall feeling of euphoria. Expect the unexpected in these games- expect rookies to score two homeruns, expect to randomly hug a stranger, expect to wake the neighbors with your shouting and cheering and expect to wake up the next morning with unidentified bruises.

The “From Behind” Win (aka…The… you guessed it… Doggy Style Win)

This win is one of my personal favorites… go ahead, say what you will, I love it from behind. Here’s why- These wins happen when you least expect them, and they can happen anywhere anytime, no warning necessary. They usually start out like any other night, nothing out of the ordinary except a few let downs early in the game as the other team takes the lead. You find yourself down four runs in the sixth inning, and thinking about calling it a night. Then, when you’re about to throw in the towel, you notice there’s a Yankee on first and third with no outs! BAM, a two run double! BAM a homerun! Next thing you know, you’re winning! You’re feeling adventurous, wild and even a bit scandalous. You’re having so much fun, you forget what losing looked like but you never look back- no need to, you like being in front.

A Few “Quickies”

Tampa Bay Devil Rays = Drunken Sorority Girls. Easy, Quick, Sloppy Good Times

Boston Red Sox = Hot, Blonde Bitchy Girl. Never Easy. Always a hassle, but winning a game versus the Red Sox gives you SERIOUS bragging rights.

Los Angeles Angels = Not that hot, that rich or that famous, but something about them strings you along.You really should be able to win, you really should. You just can’t! But you keep on tryin!

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“Hey Jete- What’s your favorite style win?”

* Dear Mom, If you’re reading this blog entry please note that I have never had sex and am obviously saving myself for marriage. I’m merely speculating about these comparisons. In fact, I learned about them from that smutty Cosmopolitan Magazine that still gets delivered to your house even though I moved out long ago… Love, your wholesome, sweet, angelic daughter, YankeeGirl

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Posted by: yankeegirlguy | July 25, 2007

My Favorite Game(s)

Sorry for the incosistant updating.  Searching for an apartment in Manhattan is quite possibly the worst experience you can have in life. Anyways…..

So the game on Sunday: 21-4.  21 Freaking runs! Yankee girl and I attended the Yankees drubbing of the D-Rays, and it was one of those games I love as a fan.  Now you may think this is wierd as the games most people love and remember are back and forth contests where the outcome is in doubt until the final innings.  Not me.  Give me a 10-0, a 12-3, 8-1 Yankee win anyday, and I will ride the Subway home a happy guy. 

Now a couple  of notes:

Once the Yankees decided to pile it on, I piled on some drinks.  Probably the 3rd most drunk I have ever been at a game, and it wasn’t due to frustration 🙂

This game combined with the Saturday night game were the first time in 50+ years that a team has scored 17+ runs in consecutive games at home.  Completely ridiculous.

Shelly Duncan’s first name is Dave, like his dad.  I truly has no idea. Thank you Yankee Girl.

At the game on Sunday Yankee Girl and I saw a couple who may have had an age difference of 15+ years, with the girl being in the vicinity of 35 and the guy around 20.  Yankee Girl originally thought it was a mom and son combo.  When they staryed making out, the look on her face was priceless.

Derek Jeter hits .409 with Runners in Scoring Position and hits .476 with Runners in Scoring Position with 2 Outs.  Freaking unbelievable.

My password on my computer at work is now loseboston$.  I thought it was quite appropriate. 

Just so you know Yankee Girl won our Mid-Season Bets 4 to 3.  She hasn’t determined what her reward is for winning yet and time is running out! 

He smells good too!

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | July 18, 2007

The Pursuit of Happiness

A rant by your’s truly, Yankee Guy:

During the 10th inning of yesterday’s come from behind, extra inning 3-2 win versus the Blue Jays I scared the shit out of my neighbors. After Matsui hooked a potential game-winning Home Run about six inches foul, I yelled and slammed my hand against the table. Ten seconds later there was a knock. Yankee Kid opened the door and my neighbor (and ex-girlfriend) asked:

“Is everything okay, it sounded like someone just broke their leg in here.”

Not paying attention to her, I cursed as Matsui struck out.

Yankee Kid replied for me “Yeah everything is okay, I think it is an important part of the game or something.”

She finally left and Robbie Cano got the game winning hit about 5 minutes later.

Why do I bring this up you may ask? Well not just to show you what a crazy person I am (which you already know). I bring this up to show that I am in the minority. I have NOT given up on this year. I do not care about the Opt-out clause in A-Rod contract. That is an issue I will be worried about in November when my New York Giants are floundering along at 4-5. What I am currently concerned with is as follows:

The game tomorrow at 7:05PM.
And then Thursday at 1:05 PM.
And then Friday at 7:05PM.

Until the Yankees are mathematically eliminated, I refuse to believe there will be no October baseball in the Bronx. I see something coming around in this team, and a tired of the retards in Bristol, CT saying this team is finished. By the way, Bristol sucks and so do you. Enjoy working in lower-middle class Connecticut.

I really don’t care how big the deficit is now or the record the Yanks have to pull off to catch the Red Sox or win the Wild Card. Without faith in this team I mind as well put on a pink hat and cheer for the Yankees to score more points than the other team. I’d be a fan who started following the team after 1998, a fan who doesn’t remember the days of Scott Kamenicki, Alvaro Espinosa and Mel Hall.

In baseball you make your own luck. I see this team starting to do that. It’s been a rough 91 games so far. We have a run differential of +77, which should translate to a 54-37 record. It has not, but I truly see the turnaround coming.

During the All-Star Break I predicted the Yankees had to go 20-9 in thier first 29 games after the break to get back in the hunt and be relevant. 5-1 has been a great start.

Yankee Girl has a wonderful and simple phrase which I love: “The best thing in life is winning.”

I’d like to add to it: “The best thing in life is the pursuit of winning, especially when you are turning some heads in the process.”

47-44. Soon to be 95-67.

A picture from an above-average victory

(P.S.- I watched the movie “The Pursuit of Happiness” last night. The reason for the post and the title )

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | July 9, 2007

Dissections- Girls and Baseball, an inning by inning view

When bringing someone to a baseball game, you sometimes need to remember that not everyone is a super-fan like yourself. While I personally bring my dad and brother to a decent amount of games I would say 65% of the time I end up going to a game with a girl. Now not every girl you know really likes the nuances of baseball. Whether you are bringing your sister, girlfriend, mom, or just a friend to a game, they usually don’t appreciate a player hitting a sac fly or moving the runners over. Below is an inning by inning view of what happens when you bring a girl who “likes going to baseball games” to a Yankee game.

1st Inning

This one is pretty easy as you find your seats and continue your chatter from the subway ride in. Usually you are a little late, so all you end up doing is looking around the stadium, and point out the star players on the field.

2nd Inning

This is the time in the game where you usually settle into your seats and chat for a bit. You explain a couple rules, talk about the game a little. If it is your family member you begin to discuss relatives, if it is your friend you begin to gossip about them. A pretty lighthearted inning.

3rd Inning

So you’ve been sitting there for almost 45 minutes and it is 95 degrees out. You have seen roughly 45 vendors walk by. Inevitably this is the inning you go and grab some food and beer. This is the inning where you as a guy can determine how much fun the rest of the game will be. Because everyone knows more beer equals more fun at a baseball game, this is a crucial time.

4th Inning

Chow down on some food and drink. Start to feel the effects of your “Giant Beer.” For those of you who don’t know the extra $1 to make it a “Giant size” is ALWAYS worth it.

5th and 6th inning

For the non-fan girl this is the doldrums of the game. Luckily for you, the beer is kicking in, making both you and her more chatty. This is where if you bring a family member you start asking them about their jobs/social life/family.

A friend/girlfriend/date- this is where you start both being getting crazy, making fun of other fans in your section, cracking jokes talking about friends, etc. Basically you are doing anything to advert their attention from the fact that the are bored with the game that is tied at 1 and is a pitchers dual.

Here comes the Great Subway Race/Hat Game/Yankee Fan Marquee/The Wave. I am convinced these things were all created for this reason.

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“Baseball takes too long and I want an ice pop”

7th Inning

Again you are saved by another cheer “Take me out to the ball game.” Takes over the middle of the 7th inning and every single person remembers this cheer from 2nd grade. During the top of the 7th you alertly made a beer run, as you know they cut off sales in the middle of the inning. The best play now is the smaller beer as you don’t need to be carrying your sister back to the subway or holding your friends hair as they vomit back in your apartment.

8th Inning

This is where the intense decisions start to be made. Usually depending on game score/weather/after game plans, this is where you sense her getting antsy and decide whether you should “Stay til the end or go.” A little part of you dies inside when you decide to go, so you try to hold on as long as possible, even if you are down 7-2.

9th Inning

Oh wow this is an exciting game! Your team just tied it up in the bottom of the 9th with some clutch hitting. Abreu roped a double that scored Melky from 2nd base, and now it is tied at 4. You are elated and as the game spills into the 10th inning, guys are usually excited that they are watching extra baseball for free. The girl, meanwhile, is ticked off that they don’t get to go home yet. “I’m cold, I’m tired, and this is stupid.” So the guy usually has to play the guessing game: “Okay, if they don’t score this inning, then we’ll go home.” This is my least favorite game ever.

You go home after the bottom of the 10th, and turn on YES to find out that the Yankees won it with a Jeter home run in the 11th. You are elated they won, but pissed you weren’t there. So is the life of being a guy.

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The official hat of the girl “fan”

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | July 5, 2007

I Love Scotty

I know this is old news but I was at an Indian Wedding all weekend and really didn’t have much access to the news in Yankee Land. When I got back to my apartment around 7PM on Sunday night I heard the funniest news in a long time, our boy (Yankee Girl and I) had burned all of his equipment in an effigy to try to jump start him and the team.

While the reaction to this news was generally to make fun of Scotty P, I for one LOVED the idea and applauded his decision. Every team needs their quirky character and I for one was happy Scotty decided to fill this role after last weeks debacle, and the general malaise this team has been going through. At least someone cares and someone feels th need to shake it up a bit.

Since we talk a great deal about Scott Proctor on this site I figured I would provide a little insight into our adoration of the most overworked middle reliever in the major leagues. Our obsession with such a low profile player starts in spring training 2006, right around the same time I met Yankee Girl.

After Yankee Girl and I first met, randomly at a sports bar in the Upper East Side, I instant messaged her to ask her what she was doing. She responded ” I am watching the end of a Yankees spring training game to check out Proctor’s arm.” Now being that I am always in tune with the team, and barely knew who this reliever was, I was more than impressed with Yankee Girl and began to follow Scott’s progress myself. Since he had a breakout year in 2006, we both followed him from relative obscurity to his role as the Yankees most reliable bullpen arm. Therefore since we were on the bandwagon from Day 1 we are his biggest fans. (Also Yankee Girl thinks he’s cute as well) It is fun being fans of a small name guy because you feel like you are part of a little club that no one else understands. He’s going through a little rough patch right now, but he remains the most consistent guy we have in the 6th, 7th, and 8th innings, and I always want him in there in a big spot.

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“If there is any marital trouble, gimme a call Scotty!” – Yankee Girl

Anyways the after another loss (this time to the Twins on the Fourth of July) I have another way to describe this season. Yankee Girl loves when I describe the Yankees in terms of a relationship so here goes another one….

This point in the season the Yankees are acting like a relationship that you know is probably going bad and headed in the wrong direction. Sometimes in this situation it would be the best to just cut the chord and let them go, but you are holding on to a 10% chance that it might work out in the end. You hope that your girl stops doing too much blow and preforming stripteases in front of your friends.

Now since the Yankees are a sports team and not a girl you obviously cannot let them go. But it has the look and feel of something that is going wrong, and there is almost no way to salvage it. I hate to be a “Debbie Downer” but my optimism is starting to fade as I don’t see “it” or the fire in this team that almost every other squad had.

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Here’s your gratutitous coked out Lohan pic. Courtesy of Yankee guy

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 29, 2007

Better Days

So this season has been an unmitigated disaster, unlike anyone I have ever seen.  Since I am a fan through and through and have cope with such a miserable year and support my team even in the bad times, I have had to develop a strategy to root for them.    Basically I’ve adopted a theory based off the Goo Goo Dolls song “Better Days”:

“And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
Cause I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight’s the night the world begins again.

So basically my theory for the next few weeks is as follows: I am going to take each game individually and independently and still root just as hard for my team.  The thing I will change now is that I will not hold resentment from past games over to the next, as each game “The world begins again.”  I am not sure how long I will be able to do this due to my human nature, but as we meander along as a tick or two below .500 I really don’t see any other option.

Thoughts?  Other ideas?

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I went to a Goo Goo Dolls concert this year, and have to admit I like them.  No judgements!

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 27, 2007

The Walk of Shame

I hate baseball today.   

I just decided that I hate its guts and I hope one day, football takes basball’s heart and kicks a field goal with it.  I owe this passionate disdain to last night’s game which followed a slew of games that contributed to my ultimately extreme hatred.   

It started with the Yankees falling behind two runs to the freaking Orioles… Do you know what an Oriole is?  It’s a stupid bird- like a parakeet or a finch or something.  It sucks. 

 

Then, the Yankees did a very cruel thing- Johnny “Achy-Breaky-Everything” Damon hit a two run homer to even the score in the sixth inning, giving the Yankees three juicy innings to put a run on the board and actually win a damn game.  This freak-occurrence gave Yankee fans a little taste of something they haven’t had for a while— hope.  Not. Cool. 

 

Tied 2-2 in the 8th, Farnsworthless actually manages to get us out of an inning unscathed, only to put in the man with the plan- Scott Proctor.  (I don’t know if you know this, but I may be one of no more than three people on the planet – Scotty’s mom included – who love Scott Proctor more than even Joe Torre loves him.  I trust him and think he’s awesome and want to throw a Proctor Parade every time he comes up to pitch.)  So anyway, Scott Proctor, Relief-Pitcher-Extraordinaire, walked in the winning run.  He walked it in!  I was shocked and appalled and sad and angry and contemplated suicide.  WTF SP? WTF? 

Proctor Evil

So there I am, hating baseball and reading all about it in the Daily News (the same way America reads about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears – yes you may hate them, but you can’t help but want to know about them) expecting to find a quote from Scotty that says something like this “Throwing strikes is so 2006 for this bullpen… I’m going to end this thing right now so that we can all go get hookers to celebrate Captain Jeter and Mike Meyers’ birthdays (who turned a combined age of eight hundred, btw).” 

And just as I’m about to hire a hit-man to kill Proctor, I find this quote instead:

“I let everyone down. I’m (ticked) off at myself. You can’t — walk people. It’s embarrassing.” (Daily News, 6/27)   (fill in the blanks yourself- ticked and — are subs for other words)

 

 

Next thing I know, I’m back on team Proctor and ready to watch tonights game against the Orioles… maybe start a new winning streak?  maybe hit some orioles with pitches?

*Sighhhhhhh.   Dear Scott Proctor- with a quote full of newspaper ‘bleeps,’ I can’t stay mad at you…Let’s go to central park and throw balls at hippies and old people… I think we both need to remember why we love baseball.

Hideki Cries in Japanese

What’s the matter Hideki?  You gonna Cry?  There’s no crying in baseball!

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 25, 2007

Field Trip with Yankee Kid

So being that the 2007 baseball season has disastrously followed the path of a Lohan Coke Binge, I have had to find other ways to enjoy the season while things have been going poorly. This year I have been able to derive this by having the pleasure of training a new Yankee Fan about the game of baseball.  Just so you know, Yankee Guy hasn’t knocked anyone up (thank god) or even adopted a child.  No, Yankee Guy has undertaken an arduous task that goes right up there with summiting Mt. Everest, swimming the English Channel, or getting the Yankee Girl to use L’Oreal skin care products. 

My protoge’s nickname is Yankee Kid.  Yankee Kid is my roomate and one of my best friends.  Now to say he was not knowledgeable about the Yankees before the season began is an understatement.  Not speaking in hyperbole, Yankee Kid thought the ace of the staff for the Yankees was Jim Abbott.  I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Throughout the year he has become more and more knowledgeable so I figured a good activity on a lazy Saturday in June would be to hit up a tour of Yankee Stadium. Here is what happened.   

Since we got up to the Bronx about 45 minutes early for the tour, I decided to bring the child to a place all overweight kids like to eat. MMMMM nothing says classy like McDonalds in the Bronx. Naturally Yankee Kid ordered a vegetarian happy meal.

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(Note this is the first time I have been inside a McDonald’s in 3 plus years.  I made some comments in there that almost got me beat up.  Also notice McDonald’s view of what a Yankee should look like in the statue behind Yankee kid.  A Giambi replica maybe?)

 Yankee kid sees a jersey of his favorite player, Don Mattingly in the team store.

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Ohhh looks like I found Yankee Girl a birthday present for next year, provided she rescinded all of her views of style, moved to Ohio, and became white trash.  Then this would be perfect.

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As you can see below, Yankee Kid is praying in front of the Mickey Mantle Monument in Monument Park. One short year ago Yankee Kid almost killed Yankee Guy when we were discussing the Yankees imminent plans to build a new stadium and move next door. Yankee Kid all of the sudden got very nervous about the Yankees move and asked “What are the Yankees going to do with all the bodies at the stadium?”

Yankee Kid thought that  thought that all great Yankee players who died were ACTUALLY BURIED in monument park, and that the Yankees was a graveyard out there.  Not wanting to break the kid’s spirit we still haven’t told him the truth.

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Another of him praying.  Yankee Kid is actually agnostic or an athiest.  I forget which.

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 Yankee Guy reenacting a very welcome sight – A Scott Proctor relief appearance.  Yes I am a Scott Proctor fan.  And yes I own a Proctor T-Shirt.  Yankee Girl loves him too, even after his off the field indiscretions.  We are both wierd.

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 What is Yankee Guy thinking in the pic below?  Here are a few choices:

“Will this season ever turn around?” 

“Can I  upgrade my season tickets to right here?”

“Have I structured my portfolio in a way which i have, reduced portfolio risk?”

“What was a worse choice eating at McDonald’s today or dating my ex-girlfriend?”

“Why the hell did Mariano have to throw the ball into centerfield in Game 7?”

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Keep in mind the following conversation before you see the Yankee Kid strategizing on the Yankees bench. 

Yankee Kid: “Do you think Doug Mientkiewitz will ever throw a no hitter?”

Yankee Guy: “I don’t know it would be the first time in history a first baseman ever threw one.”

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Yankee Kid wants Derek Jeter win the Superbowl by scoring the most points for touchdowns.

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Yankee Kid has named New Yankee Stadium,  Third World Country Stadium, due top the fact that it looks shitty and isnt put together.  Yankee Kid is a racist.

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All in all we had a great time at Yankee Stadium this Saturday.  Later in the day I broke my remote watching the game versus the San Francisco Giants where we lost in 13 innings. Not even 5 Vodka Sodas at the W were enough to ease the sting of that loss.

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 21, 2007

Why you’re all FIRED!

Once again, I’m compelled to justify myself following one of YankeeGuy’s biting posts.  I’m a nice gal, really I am.  Sure, I quote Leo “The Lip” Durocher from time to time, but let’s remember that Leo won almost 4,000 games as a manager- not too shabby.  If you find losing enjoyable, then fine, go back to your padded room- you crazy freak -and pick flowers and lose games all day long.  If you think winning is the most fun part of playing sports- then you’re welcome on my team.  Now a few comments on YankeeGuy’s sweetheart description of my managing… 

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | 21st Jun, 2007

If Yankee Girl was the GM

First Second of her Reign- Don Mattingly: “Hey Yankee Girl good to have you here this year, I really think you were a great pick as GM, and I am excited for the season.”Yankee Girl: “You’re fired; get the hell out of here!!”(Yankee Girl believes in the “Curse of Don Mattingly”)

*(CLOSE but not quite- Donny Baseball’s stuff would be in a cardboard box sitting shotgun in a taxi outside the stadium.  Following our “introduction” Mr. Mattingly would be escorted out of the stadium and banned until after the world series. Don’t believe that ol’ Donny is cursed?  Mattingly debuted in 1982 and played 14 seasons for the New York Yankees…Guess how many World Series the Yanks won in those 14 years… that’s right ZIP, NADA, ZERO.  They never even made it to ONE World Series during that 14-year stretch… The longest stretch in Yankee history.  Guess what happened the year after Mattingly retired?  Oooh look at that- four World Series Championships in five years- looks like we were making up for lost time.  Coincidence?  Do you really want to take the time to find out?)

February 27th- All of the Yankees meet the new GM down in Tampa.  Not being introduced to her yet they one by one try to hit on her.  Every single player spits some game.  All of them except A-Rod.  She’s not mannish enough for him. *(I appreciate and resent that all at the same time.  Re: The A-Rod comment. Have you SEEN the guns lately?  I’m one shot of HGH away from being just A-Rod’s type… )

March 19th- Yankee Girl institutes a new training regiment. Sprints. All the time.  Mandatory.   *(Maybe then the Giambi’s of the world would get their asses out of the box a little quicker and the Farnsworth’s would have the endurance to go more than one freaking inning every three games… PS-The sprints don’t end until someone pukes… that’s just standard policy)  Also she provides the players with a list of cheers to do with one another during the game.  Obviously they are quite snappy.

April 10th- Yankee Girl hears the “Charge!!” cheer at the Yankees home opener.  The Yankees sound team is immediately given a pink slip. Every single one of them. *(Oh come on, I’d obviously give them a warning first.)

May 19th- After the Yankees 1st 4 game losing streak of the year, Yankee girl proclaims to the media “Everyone’s job is up for grabs.  Except Mientkiewicz, Cano, Cabrera and Proctor.”  (Yankee girl has some love for “her guys”) *(FOUR GAME LOSING STREAK?? NOT ON MY WATCH!)

July 1st- Yankees lose a dramatic game versus the Tigers giving up 3 runs in the top of the 9th to lose 6-4 at the Stadium. Yankee Girl is down in the clubhouse after the game and obviously not too thrilled.  In a post game interview, Derek Jeter gets asked by Sweeny Murti how he feels after the loss and says, “We just didn’t get the big hit today, and you just got to take the game one at-bat at a time.  I am sure we will come out and try out best tomorrow.”Yankee Girl, tired of yet another bland Jeter comment slaps him in the face, walks away yells out to him “And by the way, your Driven products suck too!!” 

New York Post Headline “Yanks Get Slapped around in the 9th”

*(Now, Now.  I don’t slap across the face.  Captain Cliché would get a smack upside the head… Seriously though, his Driven products are a joke.  What does Derek Jeter know about skin care?)

August 13th- Yankee Girl, upset with the production from 1st base and Right Field calls up Tino Martinez and Paul O’Neill to try to convince them to come back and play for her.  She trades Giambi and Abreu to the Pittsburgh Pirates for a pitching machine and a bullpen car.  When asked about the trade she replies “The sucked, and deserved to go to Pittsburgh.  No lives in Pittsburgh by choice, so I was just trying to provide that city with two more residents for tax dollars.”*(why would ANYONE PURPOSELY live in Pittsburgh… in fact, to encourage players heal more quickly, our DL will be based in Pittsburgh (Mientkiewicz is welcome to stay in NY until his poor little wrist is in ship shape)… Pavano would’ve come back throwing fire if he knew he’d be spending his entire time on the DL in Pittsburgh)

September 21st- Yankees win the division.  Yankee Girl allows ARod to order as many mannish hookers as his heart desires on the corporate card.  *(Anyone else want strippers?  If that’s why A-Rod’s playing like he is, then I strongly encourage the use of strippers for every team member she-male-muscular-type-strippers and otherwise)

October 14th- Lost game 6 of the ALCS and the series 4-2 to LA Angels.  Yankee Girl fires the entire pitching staff except Proctor, Rivera, and Mussina.  *(Pettitte can stay too as a favor to my bench coach, YankeeGuy)  Signs Chad Pennington to pitch next year for the team for $12 million.  She states to the media “Chad and his 79 MPH Fastball will bring the Yanks their 27th Championship” *(Please, it’s not his fastball, it’s his location!)

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“Hey Moose- I know you went to Stanford, but I’m a Rhodes Scholar bitch!  A Rhodes Scholar!” 

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 21, 2007

If Yankee Girl was the GM

Yankee Girl and I have some great back and forth conversations on an almost daily basis. About 35% of these involve how we would run the Yankee organization if in control. Now we each aren’t HR gurus, and aren’t masters of the luxury tax, but we do know our team inside and out. Now Yankee Girl already is a manager of a team I play on, and she is quite a character. Now I always thought it would be fun to extrapolate this experience as well as think about how she would control the Yankees. Here is my imagination at work. Remember this is a girl who quotes Leo Durocher.

First Second of her Reign- Don Mattingly: “Hey Yankee Girl good to have you here this year, I really think you were a great pick as GM, and I am excited for the season.”Yankee Girl: “You’re fired; get the hell out of here!!”(Yankee Girl believes in the “Curse of Don Mattingly”)

First Minute of her Reign-  Joe Girardi hired as manager.

February 27th- All of the Yankees meet the new GM down in Tampa.  Not being introduced to her yet they one by one try to hit on her.  Every single player spits some game.  All of them except A-Rod.  She’s not mannish enough for him.

March 19th- Yankee Girl institutes a new training regiment. Sprints. All the time.  Mandatory.   Also she provides the players with a list of cheers to do with one another during the game.  Obviously they are quite snappy.

March 21st- Players revolt at the cheer list after players from the Devil Rays start teasing them.  Yankee Girl’s response “They are the freaking Devil Rays, barely a major league team; let me know when they don’t lose 100 games.”  The cheers remain.

April 10th- Yankee Girl hears the “Charge!!” cheer at the Yankees home opener.  The Yankees sound team is immediately given a pink slip. Every single one of them.

May 19th- After the Yankees 1st 4 game losing streak of the year, Yankee girl proclaims to the media “Everyone’s job is up for grabs.  Except Mientkiewicz, Cano, Caberea and Proctor.”  (Yankee girl has some love for “her guys”)

July 1st- Yankees lose a dramatic game versus the Tigers giving up 3 runs in the top of the 9th to lose 6-4 at the Stadium. Yankee Girl is down in the clubhouse after the game and obviously not too thrilled.  In a post game interview, Derek Jeter gets asked by Sweeny Murti how he feels after the loss and says, “We just didn’t get the big hit today, and you just got to take the game one at-bat at a time.  I am sure we will come out and try out best tomorrow.”

Yankee Girl, tired of yet another bland Jeter comment slaps him in the face, walks away yells out to him “And by the way, your Driven products suck too!!” 

New York Post Headline “Yanks Get Slapped around in the 9th”

August 13th- Yankee Girl, upset with the production from 1st base and Right Field calls up Tino Martinez and Paul O’Neill to try to convince them to come back and play for her.  She trades Giambi and Abreu to the Pittsburgh Pirates for a pitching machine and a bullpen car.  When asked about the trade she replies “The sucked, and deserved to go to Pittsburgh.  No lives in Pittsburgh by choice, so I was just trying to provide that city with two more residents for tax dollars.”

September 21st- Yankees win the division.  Yankee Girl allows ARod to order as many mannish hookers as his heart desires on the corporate card. 

October 14th- Lost game 6 of the ALCS and the series 4-2 to LA Angels.  Yankee Girl fires the entire pitching staff except Proctor, Rivera, and Mussina.  Signs Chad Pennington to pitch next year for the team for $12 million.  She sates to the media “Chad and his 79 MPH Fastball will bring the Yanks their 27th Championship! 

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“My arm is wicked strong because I look like an elf” 

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 18, 2007

Yankee Seasons are much like the girls you have dated

So as a Yankee fan I probably spend more time with the Yankees than any other person in my life. Therefore each season I build a relationship with the team, much like a normal person would build with their significant other. Each season is different and I have personified them as a girl who you may have dated. Lets start off with the first season after the 1994 strike:

1995-

Hi I am 1995. I am about a 6 on the scale from 1 to 10 and really don’t work out much. You can definitely see potential in me down the road and I am kind of like a girl you might have dated in middle school that you knew was going to be a stunner down the road. I guess you can call me the girl next door, before she got hot. I broke your heart when my family abruptly moved to Seattle; right when you thought you were going to win me over. You even had your promise ring all set, and thought you had me after we made out on the playground. You were wrong.

Season Result – Lost Seattle 3-2 in ALDS. We were up in extra Innings of Game 5. Fuck Griffey and Edgar Martinez.

Celebrity Comparison: Topanga on “Boy Meets World”.

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I might get arrested for posting this one.

1996-

Hey Hun, I am 1996. I started this year wearing a ponytail and I used to play soccer. While I’m cute and you would probably not consider me hot, but I seemed to have a certain look about me. I am a good girlfriend but you didn’t have very high expectations, and were pleasantly surprised by me all year. Well all of the sudden at the end of the year, I started working out a bit. I decided to ditch my sporty look and starts wearing skirts and Citizens of Humanity jeans. I showed up at prom and all your buddies were stunned and couldn’t keep their eyes off me. What an amazing night.

Season Result – Win World Series 4-2 over the Atlanta Braves and their obnoxious “Warrior” like cheer. Fuck that shit.

“Back, to the Track, at the Wall, WE ARE TIED!!!” – phrase gives me goose bumps every time, and if you recognize it, I love you.

Celebrity Comparison: Anne Hathaway in “The Princess Diaries”

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Mia Thermopolis totally grew up.

1997-

Hey I am 1997. I am pretty cute but I am kind of a filler girlfriend. I am not the most memrorable girl, and you kind of lost me in the shuffle between 1996 and 1998. While I was fun and outgoing we never had a true connection and I was a girl whose relationship was a part of your maturity into an adult.

Season Result- Lost 3-2 to the Cleveland Indians in the ALDS. Sandy Alomar’s ‘lil shit homer still gives me nightmares as the Yankees were the best team in baseball in ‘97.

Celebrity Comparison: Elisha Cuthbert in “The Girl Next Door”

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I am so hot, why am I so under appreciated?

1998-

Hi I am 1998, your Dream Girl. I have a stunning body; a great sense of humor, and everything about me just fits together so well. I love hanging out with your friends. Wanna go to the bar and watch the game? I’ll come too! All your buddies can’t believe I am with you. I am very easy going and with me things just always seem to work out. I do community service, and am sarcastic but sweet. I don’t get too crazy if you don’t call me one night, as I know on most nights you will bring you’re A game. Later in the fall you will introduce me to your parents. They will love me too and pray to god you don’t fuck this relationship up.

Season Result – 114-48 Record, best in team history. Smaked the San Diego Padres 4-0 in the World Series, beating Kevin Brown in Game One. Fuck you Kevin.

Celebrity Comparison: Mandy Moore in life.

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Even though you broke Vinny Chase’s heart you are still perfect.

1999-2000

Hi I am 1999 and 2000. I am long-term relationship girl. I treat you like a king and am never too clingy or needy. We both go along with our business, and have a great time when we are together. Sometimes you will take me for granted as I treat you so well all the time you forget what its’ like to have real problems. If we ever break up you will look back and remember our relationship fondly. I bring consistantcy to your life but totally know how to push your buttons every once in a while. You enjoy life with me and are relaxed as I am a cool customer and really don’t start any drama. I have a great body and it is like a machine put it together perfectly.

Season(s)Result- Back to Back World Series 4-0 over the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets 4-1.

Celebrity Comparison: Jessica Alba

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Could I be more consistant?

2001-

Hey I am 2001, the girl who totally broke your heart. I am much like long-term relationship girl in almost every regard, I am outgoing and fun and you have a ton of fond memories. You’d like top remember our happy days together because they were so great. Trips to the shore, exotic vacations, wild nights out in the city, which sometimes extended into the morning. You’d like to remember all of this but you last memory of me was coming home and seeing me in bed with one of my “buddies” from college. Shocked, you break off all contact between us and try to erase the thought of me from your memory. I am dead to you.

Season Result – Lost in Game 7 of the World Series to the Purple and Teal Arizona Diamondbacks. If you need me to explicate more on this horrible occurrence look down a few posts.

Celebrity Comparison – Mariah Carey as a Heartbreaker

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“Heartbreaker, you go the best of me….”

2002-

2002 here, whoooo!!!! I am your lush girlfriend. I was great to party with during our relationship giving you so many fun moments, and the good times seemed to be just rolling along. I am defiately a rebound girl from the one who broke your heart, and you didn’t invest as much in me becuase you were afraid of being hurt again. In the end I had a fundamental flaw in my personality and couldn’t We broke up because at your end of the year “Holiday Party” I made out with one of your subordinates and then threw up in the punch bowl.

Season Result – Lost in the ALDS to the Anaheim Angels 3-1. Our team ERA was roughly 56.7 or so. David Wells may or may not have been drunk while pitching.

Celebrity Comparison: Tara Reid

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I may have gotten the worst boob job ever.

2003-

Hey babe, its me ‘03. I am your nymphomanic girl. I am a girl you still remember fondly, I gave you some of the best moments and times you and your buddies will be talking about forever. Remember that time in the Maui Hilton Hotel shower,…..yeah you do. I drove you crazy, in a good way, but at the end, we just didn’t have enough in common to keep the relationship going. We had a relatively clean breakup and you weren’t too resentful, and we still are friends. It was great while it lasted.

Season Result – Lost in the World Series to the Florida Marlins 4-2 and thier 19 geriatric fans celebrated all night to the brink of 11 PM.

Celebrity Comparison: Christina Aguilara in her X-tina days.

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Nothing says class like crotchless chaps.

2004-

Hi I am 2004. I am the seemingly perfect girl who turned out to be the biggest trainwreck of all time. During the first few months of our relaionship you may have confused me with your dream girl. I looked immaculate, was well put together and was thororghly entertaining. This facade all came crashing down in a hurry. All in one month i went from a sophisticated bombshell, to looking and acting like a bomb went off. I cancelled my gym membership and started wearing sweats every day. I got fired from work and now stay over your house, in your sweatpants watching Maury Povitch and Judge Judy all day. You used to brag to all your friends about me as I was your impressive career oriented stunner. Now since we broke up i am that girl you always try to forget about and wonder what the hell happened.

Season Result – If you dont know you should go kill yourself. Javier Vasquez and Kevin Brown, I will always hate you.

Celebrity Comparison: Britney Spears, duing her current “Trainkwreck” phase

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I was so so hot…

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…and then Dave Roberts stole 2nd base.

2005-

Hey I am 2005, the girl who drives you completely nuts. Before we broke up we used to have crazy fights and an even crazier time making up. We met kind of randomly and our relationship was kind of due to us being at the right place at the right time, as at almost any other time in our lived we would have never dated one another. We never had the chemistry you had with other girls and our whirlwind relationship never seemed right. Out of energy and lacking a solid base our breakup was unceremonious.

Season Result- Lost to the Los Angeles Angels of Aneheim 3-2 in the ALDS.

Celebrity Comparison: Paris Hilton.Why is she famous? No one knows.

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I wonder if she gives it up on the first date? )

2006-

What up, I am 2006, the “almost” girl. We should have worked out, but didn’t. Being that I am younger than your previous ladies, we had the youthful exuberance that you used to have back with the “1996” girl. Sadly unlike her, when it mattered most I let you down, and I totally flaked on you and didn’t even give you a call. After such an up and down relationship with 2005, I brought stability to your life and made dating fun again, but at the end of the day my unreliability is what destroyed us. Unfortunatly as with your previous few girls, you will remember me for the breakup we had and not for the fantastic relationship we forged.

Season Result- Another division crown, but a 3-1 beat down from the Detroit Tigers in the ALCS

Celebrity Comparison: Heidi Montag (Heidi from the Hills)

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“I let Lauren down, just like Jared Wright let everyone down in Game 4″

2007-

Hey sexy I am 2007, and so far have been your drug addict girl. I am a cokehead and I have been driving you crazy with all of my ups and downs due to my addiction. I recently just went to rehab, and things are starting to finally look up. You can’t seem to shake me as you are addicted to me as much as I am addicted to doing bumps in the bathroom.

Season Result- Undetermined…..

Celebrity Comparison: Coked out Lindsay Lohan

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“Anyone wanna go skiiing?”

 

Hope you had fun with my interpretations, as I know sometimes some of them are a little out there. Most of the references have an innuendo to the Yankee season that might not be so obvious. If you have a question ask!

PS – I really would like to have another “Dream Girl” season sometime soon. I think Yankee Girl and I so deserve it!

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 12, 2007

Winning…

“What are we at the park for except to win?  I’d trip my mother.  I’d help her up, brush her off, tell her I’m sorry.  But mother don’t make it to third.”  ~Leo Durocher 

Winning… I had almost forgotten what it feels like.  If you’re a Yankee fan, winning doesn’t count if it’s one game out of a three game series.  Winning is a sweep, or seven in a row, 10 of 12.  Winning a real, true Yankee win, feels like drinking a pomegranate crack margarita…. Actually, it’s better than that.  It feels something like how I imagine it feels to be held down and tickled by George Clooney (by Jessica Biel if you’re a guy).  It makes you delirious and giddy and giggly.  You wish everyone you ever knew could see you now.  You’re quite convinced that everyone secretly wishes they were in your place and you can’t wait to tell everyone you know how much fun it is… Especially your friend who happens to be a Red Sox fan (you’re only her friend when you’re winning).   

I love baseball.  I love every single Yankee game, win or lose, but only because for nine innings I’m convinced the Yankees will win.  If they don’t, I experience a mini-apocalypse.  I feel like someone has reached down my throat into my intestines, pulled out my liver and asphyxiated me with it. It’s not fun.  The next day, however, I do it all over- because winning will make it all better.   

The Yankees are playing the Diamondbacks right now… It’s the ninth inning, Mariano Rivera is pitching,the Yankees are up 4-1, there are two outs.  I have to go, I think I hear George Clooney coming!

“Look out for the tickle monster!!!”

“Look Out for the Tickle-Monster!!!”

Yankee Girl

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 11, 2007

Ramblings

Here are some random thoughts I had after this weekend’s series sweep: 

  • Almost every time I go to Yankee Stadium the following exchange occurs:

Yankee Fan: (Fan gives me a funny look) “Hey did anyone ever tell you that you look exactly like Andy Pettitte?”

Yankee Guy:  (Thinking to myself “Yes everyone who I have ever known has told me that since 1996”) “Yeah I get that a lot, thanks.”

I take it as a total compliment every time

  • The Yankees are now 9-4 when I am in attendance.  Pretty hot statistical trend.  I think some fans should start paying for my ticket to attend games, for luck purposes obviously.
  • A-Rod is a god.  I guess now that the wifey is around again all the time he can’t go out as much, therefore he releases his tension by hitting the crap out of the ball.  That is my analysis of his June performance thus far.
  • The Yankees graphic of a “Rocket” that they fly over Roger Clemens on the main board in the outfield was made in 1999 by a 19 year old intern.  No one can convince me otherwise.
  • I still really, really hate the Diamondbacks.  I hope we crush them this week.  Like 15-1 every game.
Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 8, 2007

Yankee Girl Versus Guy Season Long Competition

Yankee Guy here-

If you haven’t noticed Yankee Girl and I are a bit insane.  The day before this 2007 baseball season, Yankee Girl and I were brimming with excitement for the upcoming season.  To make this season more interesting we each decided to make predictions on what would happen during the Yankees campaign.  We chose obscure topics to make it more fun. We appropriately met at Mickey Mantle’s Restaurant on April 1, the day before the season was underway.  Below are our prognostications as of that date.  I figured 3 weeks before we crown a Mid-Season Champion I would post this for you all to observe, discuss, tease and comment. These are updated as of June 8, 2007.

The stakes for these predictions is still TBD.

Yankee Girl’s favorite player, Kevin Brown, will be rooting her on all year!

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 7, 2007

Carl Pavano – The American Idle

Yankee Guy here- 

Over the first few months of the Yankees season Yankee Girl and I have had many a debate about the Yankees.  From in game manager decisions, personnel management, to who we think would be the most fun players to hang out with off the field; we have debated and discussed everything that is humanly possible.  The one thing we unequivocally agree on among the multitude of topics we have discussed is Ms. Carl Pavano.  Before this season even started we both were very skeptical about Carl and even good reports out of spring training didn’t put us at ease.  Yankee Girl, who if in charge of the Yankees would run them in a “General Patton-esqe” way, proposed that if Carl wasn’t going to pitch we should get our money’s worth for his 39.95 Million Dollars salary.  Together we comprised a few ways in which we could have Carl earn his paycheck.

1)  Set up Carl by “The Bat” outside Yankee Stadium and dress him up as a clown.  Have him paint faces and entertain the crowd.  At least he will be pleasing some Yankee fans this way.

2) Have a carnival style Dunk Tank in Monument Park, where you could throw baseballs at a target and Dunk Carl in the water tank.  Obviously we’d have a net set up around Carl so no disgruntled Yankee Fans could throw the balls AT him.

3)  Bring back the bullpen car and have him drive pitchers to the mound.   This will allow fans to see him on mound quite often, and he won’t be giving up monster home runs as per usual.  A win-win situation.  Hopefully he won’t get in any car accidents like last year.

4) Employ him as a Hot Dog Vendor.  Carrying the 40 pound hot dog holder will be great physical therapy for after he gets his Tommy John surgery.  (Side note – You know with the Yankees luck he’s going to come back in ’09 with someone like the Twins and post a 3.34 ERA with a 17-8 record.)

5) Set up a Pay-Per-View fight between Yankee Girl and Mr. Pavano.  We would set up the ring right over 2nd base and you could tune in for the low price of $39.95.  Early line would be 5-2 in favor of Yankee Girl.  (Yankee Guy would obviously get commission on this fight, being the promoter) She has a lot of aggression towards Carl, and a tough Long Island attitude.  Carl is from Southington, CT and is soft.  Southington sucks.

“I’m a total douche bag”

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 5, 2007

The $200,000,000 Underdogs

As the Yankees hover beneath mere mediocrity, sharing last place with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, it’s all-to-easy to throw in the towel and call the season a lost cause. Expectations have plummeted since the Yankees were swept in their first series against the Red Sox; The Yank’s have had so many injuries that the players union has begun investigating Joe Torre for abuse. They’ve been riddled with scandals from steroids to strippers and they’ve suffered through slumps that made batting averages look like high-school test scores. Plenty of Yankee fans have given up, and plenty of non-Yankee fans have started celebrating early…. Which is why this season has the potential to be the most fun you’ve had as a fan since 1996.

The Yankees are now the underdogs. They’re the Little Giants, the Average Joe’s and The Lady Bugs all wrapped into one. In fact, they’re exactly like that Rachel Leigh Cook’s character (yes, Laney) in She’s All That (oh come on, you know you’ve seen it). They’ve clearly got it goin’ on, but they’re hiding it under bad moves, lack of confidence and ridiculous glasses (okay maybe the glasses are just Farnsworth). Every few games, though, you see glimpses of the smokin’ team you know they are. Hitting a 2-out home run to take the lead against the Red Sox in the 9th inning of the third game of a 1-1 series automatically crowns A-Rod the Prom Queen (If we’re still going with the She’s All That metaphor). The Yankees are suddenly poised to defy expectations- to let their hair down, put on a sexy dress and some mascara and show the world how freaking hot they really are – which has been nearly impossible for them to do in years past being that they’re expected to win the World Series every single season. So as Robinson Cano, Bobby Abreu, Melky Cabrera and Hideki Matsui begin to get their mojo back, thoughts of a comeback can’t be squelched in the minds of real Yankee fans.

To make the playoffs, or meet Boston in the ALCS would be the biggest comeback in MLB history! Nothing’s more fun than an upset victory and with all the Bombers have been through this season, every win feels like just that. That’s why I’ll be rooting for the underdogs this year, even if they happen to be the $200,000,000 underdogs.Cheers!-YankeeGirl

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 5, 2007

Guest Pass – Welcome “Yankee Dad”

Yankee Guy here- 

Every now and then Girl and Guy will invite a guest fan to spout off on the Yankees.  May I introduce to you Yankee Dad who decided to chime in on a few Yanks Sox Games he has been to this year.  Yankee Dad lives in Boston and his rant starts off below.  he hasn’t been so lucky at Yankee-Red Sox game this year so far.

In lieu of adding to your depressing list, I thought I could contribute three games from the 2007 season that have caused me to break out in shingles…..

3. April 29, 2007 – Red Sox vs. Yankees at the Stadium

The 7-4 Sox win does not indicate the misery that I was exposed to.  It was a partly sunny spring day in the Bronx and the Yanks were gunning for the series win.  The match-up of Wang vs. Tavarez should have been an indication of what lied ahead.  Instead, Big Papi silenced all Yankees fans with his first inning upper deck shot.  While the ape was rounding the bases, a large sense of bewilderment came over me.  “How did all these Red Sox fans get into Yankee Stadium?”  I had sudden nightmares of them all singing “Sweet Caroline” in the middle of the 8th inning.  The game went on like the Yankees season has thus far.  Manny actually went 2 for 4, which lowered his .650 lifetime batting average against Wang.  That guy might be the best hitter of our generation.  Is there any pitcher in baseball, active or not, who OWN’s Manny?   

2. April 20, 2007 – Yankees vs. Red Sox at Fenway

Had I listened to my horoscope, I would have skipped going to this game and went to Home Depot.  Instead, I was determined to watch my squad beat up on Schilling in the first match-up of the season.  I was excited to see our old friend Andy Pettitte wearing the interlocking NY cap. It was just like old times, Andy was dominating.  Schilling, was not.  A-rod continued to add to his April Player of the Month resume with 2 bombs off “Curt in the car.”  With a 6-2 lead heading into the bottom of the 8th, it wasn’t just the $7.50 Fenway beers that were making me feel good.  After having to listen to 35,000 Red Sox fans (yes, there were at least 1,000 Yankee fans there and I was sitting next to 2 from
Newtown), sing Sweet Caroline, I actually had a moment of enjoyment because of the 6-2 lead.  Sure enough, defector Mike “I get paid $1.25M to get one player out” Myers fails to get Ortiz out and gives up a double on his second pitch.  Nice outing Mike, make sure you use plenty of ice.  In comes Vizcaino who promptly walks Manny (probably because he is hitting .850 off Luis).  He gets the most overpaid player in baseball, not nicknamed “the Giambino” to ground into a force out.  Mike Lowell starts his dominance of the Yankees with a single to left, scoring Papi.  Mr. Torre had seen enough and went against his word…in comes Mo, fresh off his 0-2 walk off homerun against the slugging Marco Scutaro.  Let the record state that I immediately disagreed with this call and told my friend Alex that Mo always gives up inherited runners.  Sure enough the rest is history and the Sox win 7-6.  Mr. Roboto Okijima shuts down the Yanks in the 9th and the environmentally safe, “green jersey” red sox beat our beloved Yankees.   

1. April 22, 2007 – Yankees vs. Red Sox at Fenway

It is hard to top the Friday night game in terms of my misery level, but we did walk on the moon, so anything is possible.  I liken this game to an old lesson I was taught long ago.  Because of the pressure, it would hurt more if a woman in high heels stepped on your foot than if an elephant stepped on your foot.   The Yankees jumped off to a three run lead, thanks to the Giambino’s two RBI hits against Dice-K.  Rookie pitcher Chase Wright was kind or/sort of holding his own.  I was just hoping he could make it through 5 innings of work.  Well, not all wishes are meant to come true.  I ran into Kate Beckinsale 2 years ago and secretly stuff my phone number in her purse.  Now, I’ll wait for her call, which I know will happen because of serendipity.   Mr. Wright started off the 3rd getting Youkilis and Papi to both fly out to right.  Manny, the best hitter of our generation, hit a mammoth Roy Hobbs blast out of Fenway.  Okay, it’s 3-1, let’s go Chase, get one more out.  Drew, Lowell, and Varitek (quite possibly the person I would kill if I had one shot to take – Steve Young is 1a.) all hit successive homeruns.  Yes, the woman in high heels stepped on my foot.  I am still tone def from the screaming Red Sox faithful.   The Yankees actually came back and were down 7-6 in the top of the 8th.  With the bases loaded and two outs, Josh Phelps (who personally f-ed up my buddy Matt DeSalvo’s start yesterday) came to the plate and hit a rope of the middle that Dustin Pedroia somehow caught.  Pedroia’s range is 1-step to either side.  As fate would have it, he was playing 1-step away from where Phelps hit his liner.  Inning over.   Thank you for your time.  Good times are around the bend.  The season series is back to respectable at 5-7.  Till next time…

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 5, 2007

5 Most Irrational things I have done due to a Yankee loss

As I have previously stated I tend to take losses personally when the Yankees lose.  By taking this approach sometimes I have found myself doing some very foolish things as a result of frustration. Yesterday as I suffered though a listless 6-4 loss to the Chicago White Sox I thought back to some of the more idiotic and destructive things that I have done in a loss.  Nowadays punching my fist against a couch is as violent and stupid as it gets for me. Read in horror as you relive some of my most irrational decisions, as I was tormented by Yankee haters in high school and college.

Honorable Mention – October 15, 2003 – Game 6 ALCS vs.Boston Red Sox

After I got home from attending this game, I was terrified by the idea of the Red Sox going to the World Series.  At that time the thought of it made me want to throw up.  Therefore during the day I notified my dad that I didn’t want to go to Game 7, and I basically just sat in my room all day totally forgetting to eat and do anything productive.  My dad came home called me a lunatic and told me to clean up and get into the car. October 16, 2003 was one of the 3 greatest days of my life.

5) October 16, 1999 Game 3 ALCS vs. Boston Red Sox 

Clemens forgets to show up and so do I. Yanks lost this one bad 13-1.  I was supposed to pick up my foreign exchange student from a friends house and say goodbye to him and bring him to the airport as he was going back to Italy that day.  I refused to, and made my father drive him to the airport for me becuase I was so pissed at Clemens.  I gave poor Francesco the worst Irish good-bye ever.  Good thing he forgave me by the time I went to visit him in April.

4) October 5, 2002 – Game 4 ALDS vs. Anaheim Angels

The Yankees pitchers got bombed with an 8 Run 5th inning, so I got bombed right along with them. After watching this horror of an inning I immediately turned my TV off and hopped into a car with some buddies.  We ended up at some random frat party in which I proceeded to get drunk off some Natty Light.  I then apparently passed out in some bushes and then vomited in the afromentioned shrubs.  I remember about 6% of this. You stay classy Yankee Guy.

rally-douche.jpg

Made me destroy my liver.

3) October 18, 2004 – Game 5 ALCS vs. Boston Red Sox

Ortiz was smoking the Yankees for the second straight night.  Unable to handle all of the bandwagoning fans in our apartment, I decided to listen to the game on the radio in my car.  The Yankees are a combined 0-194 when I do this.  To calm myself down I went and bought a pack of cigarettes, smoking almost half of them.  Keep in mind I call cigarettes “Cancer Sticks,” and am a non smoker, PS.

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This is actually true.

2) October 19, 2004 – Game 6 ALCS vs. Boston Red Sox

Schilling silenced are bats as I sat in silence.  Being that I graduated with honors from the #12 business school in the country (my school has been showing this stat off like a Guido shows off his new Ford Mustang) you’d think I would have spent more than a handful of times in the library.  Well one of the five times I entered Old Falvey Hall was during this game, as I was having a minor breakdown as my roommates were just killing me over the last two days over the terrible Yankee losses. After trying to study for 30 minutes and watching on gamecast for 3 innings I gave up and went home to watch the game with my bandwagonening roommates.  Freaking assholes.

1) November 4, 2001 – Game 7 of the World Series vs. The Purple and Teal Piece of Garbage Diamondbacks. 

Sorry some wounds never heal. Mo breaks his air of invincibility, Yankee Guy breaks things. On this night after Alfonso Soriano hit the miraculous home run off Curt Schilling to put the Yankees up 2-1, I decided to cue up the “We are the Champions” by Queen as I sat down to watch the end of our 27th World Championship. Mariano was coming in and I was about to break out the champange.

( A DEADLY karmic mistake, good thing Yankee Girl didn’t know me then, she would have shot me.  Just so you know I was beyond cocky back then and used to torment my roomate constantly  leaving  my Yankee Championship VHS tapes on for him all day)

 As Mariano threw the ball into centerfield while trying to start a double play, Tony “I batted .200 for the Yankees” Womack hit the double that tied the game and Luis Gonzalez hit the little bloop to end our dynasty, I totally lost it. Here is what transpired

1) I ran into my dorm room, yelled until my voice was hoarse and started punching and throwing things around my room. (Remember I hadn’t seen the Yankees not win the World Series since I was a freshman in high school)

2) Once I initially calmed down a girl knocked on my door, and came in to comfort me.  I dated this girl for the next 1.5 years. Oh btw, she hated baseball and sports in general.  Yankee Guy – Not so smart as an 18 year old.

3) I refused to read any sports section until the end of November.  I didn’t watch a repeat of the final blow until 6 months later.  Every time Sportscenter mentioned baseball I turned it off until around Christmas time when we started chasing after Jason Giambi.

 Well there is my list.  Doubt it changes much as this season is starting to make me numb to losing. 

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I hate you Womack.

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 3, 2007

And the “Worst Cheer” Award Goes To…

Okay, as a side-post, I’d like to weigh in on Yankee Guy’s little rant about the cheers at Yankee Stadium. First and foremost I would like to “CHARGE” Yankee-Guy with being a dirty liar- The “Charge” cheer is my least favorite. Here’s why the “Charge Cheer” gets my vote for worst cheer ever—

 

The “Charge Cheer” is a bullfight cheer…Baseball games and bullfights are not, by any means, interchangeable

  • No one does the YMCA while the grounds-crew comes in to take a torn-up matador out of the arena in a stretcher;
  • Although you may find a lot of bullshit in baseball, you’ll be hard-pressed to find an actual bull
  • Regardless of the frequency of the “Charge” Cheer, the last truly memorable charge ended with Don Zimmer getting tossed by Pedro Martinez

My vote for honorable mention? – I’ve gotta say the “Day-O” cheer… Last time I checked that cheer was for motivating people to pick more bananas. “Six foot! Seven foot! Eight foot! Bunch!”(Bunch of ridiculousness!) I’ll sit this one out thank you.

Posted by: yankeegirlguy | June 2, 2007

The 5 Worst Cheers at Yankee Stadium

Yankee Guy here-

Living in Manhattan means that I am able to attend basically as many Yankee games as I so desire. Since I choose to attend a multitude of games I have come quite accustomed to Yankee Stadium, and the little intricacies that make up the game day experience. One of these things is the repetitive nature of the sound system in the stadium. AKA I have heard the same songs and cheers there for the last 10 fucking years. Here are my least favorite…..

Honorable Mention- “Charge!”

Yankee Girl’s favorite cheer. Makes absolutely no sense in the context of a baseball game and should only be used as a way to induce a batter to charge the mound.

5) Cotton Eyed Joe-

1995 meet Yankee Stadium. Yankee Stadium meet 1995. Now I know this tune is a little snappy and gets people out of their seats, but this is New York City, not a ho-down in a barn in South Alabama. I seriously remember this song coming out in like 7th grade, so basically the Sound Quality guys have been riding this song into the ground since I was doing Science Fair Projects.

4) YMCA

Oh nice another song that is brand new. I’m sure the ground crew loves performing their little dance that they have done every home game since 1996. I have always wondered which ground crew members have to participate in the little dance. Is it a badge of honor to do it? Do the youngest guys have to do it? Do they rotate among the different crew members? These are the things Yankee Guy thinks of during this terrible start to the season.

3) Kate Smith’s rendition of the “God Bless America”

I think when the Yankees had a choice of picking what rendition of “God Bless America” to use; they lined up all the CD’s from best to worst. They then picked the one on the end to use for “God Bless America”. Unfortunately they screwed up and picked the one on the wrong end, and now we fans have to suffer through an eternity of Kate Smith. The Yankees always seem to use new and cutting edge songs huh? Oh wait; Kate Smith has been dead for 20+ years.

2) Day-0

Killlllllll-me! This cheer is the weirdest one they have at the Stadium. Randomly a DAYYYY-O will blurt out from the sound system, and the crowd is expected to follow along. Basically the Yankees make me feel like I have the intelligence of a parrot when I hear this. I always imagined the “Day-O” cheer to be what happens when the sound guy falls asleep and just mistakenly touches the button for this sound.

1) Hip Hip Jorge!!

My ears bleed every time I hear this. So lets set the stage here. Jorge Posada starts walking to the plate. His intro song is played. Next some retard (usually sitting somewhere in my row) decides hey, Jorge sounds like “Hooray!”, even though all the Yankees phonetically pronounce Jorge as “George-ie”. So the cheerleader of this cheer starts getting other people in the section involved and then it spreads like a wildfire or in my opinion like an STD. Soon enough a large portion of the crowd is participating in this cheer that has absolutely nothing to do with baseball or the name of the player at bat. Yankee Girl has had to restrain me from throwing myself off the balcony during this cheer, and I have thrown up in my mouth on more than one occasion.

So that is it. Any other cheers you’d like to add?

Stat of the day- with the Yankees run differential to date being 277 to 249 the Yankees have an expected record of 29-23. Hopefully our luck and ability to win close games will change

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